The Stagnation Station


So you’ve got a good job, a beautiful wife, a nice house in the suburbs, 2 cars, good neighbors, 1.5 kids, and a dog.

What now?

Ever catch yourself going just through the motions? Missing the spontaneity you had before you were married and just after? Are you stagnating?

First off, recognize that it’s normal. The vague discontent that’s endemic to modern American society can easily creep into your marriage. You don’t even have to give it permission, entropy will just take its course unless you actively fight against it. All you’ve got to do to stagnate your marriage is go on about your daily business, thinking of other things.

oliveFingersRemember in college you flew by the seat of your pants? You rushed frats, went ice-blocking, threw food, stayed out too late, and otherwise abused your body in ways it would take you too long to recover from now. Your mind was going a mile a minute and so was your body.

Now that you’re all old and responsible, you’ve done it all, and you don’t have the desire to do those things any more…but you do still have the need for the feeling you got while doing them.

So do new things. Chase the unconventional and drag your wife along for the ride. If she objects…tickle her mercilessly. If she’s not ticklish, run and get a squirt gun. Bonus points if she’s wearing white. That feeling of exhilaration is too precious to be wasted on your youth.

I mean really, when was the last time you made a killer rat-tail and gave somebody a good towel-snap? Had a Drop Cloth Dinner*? A pudding fight? Or did any of the above with the kids while your wife went to the salon or shopping or something?

Go to it. Make something crazy happen. Your wife used to love that about you, remember? I bet she still would, once she gets over her initial shock.

*Drop Cloth Dinner


  1. Drop cloth, 3 mil contractor’s plastic, or similar covering
  2. Pot of spaghetti & meatballs.  Let cool slightly before serving
  3. Lettuce and tomatoes for a salad.
  4. Some toast.  If you have french bread, fine.  If not, no big deal.  Put a little garlic on it.
  5. Ice cream. Your favorite flavor.
  6. Something to drink.


Put the plastic down on the table. Put the spaghetti on the plastic in front of your wondering family. Put the salad and toast nearby. That’s it! No forks, knives, spoons, or plates. Just you and a pile of spaghetti. Bon Apetit! Ice cream will go there afterwards.

See, now that wasn’t hard, was it?

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